First of the Gang to Die
Sunday, July 17, 2005
AFTERMATH
The next few days were filled with awkward silence. Very deliberate, painfully ear-splitting silence. It wasn't so much not WANTING to talk about it...more of not knowing HOW to.
Forming thoughts was near impossible. Alex would look at me and I would mentally break down. Between the actual sexual betrayal and the result... it was just too much to bear.
I had a permanant lie glued to my face in the form of a smile. "I'm fine," had become my mantra. As if saying it, made it so.
For the record... it didn't, and I knew that. So did he.
And Alex. God. His demeanor had changed so much. In less than a week, the love of my life had HIS life turned upside down and destroyed. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
His usual morning chipper "Good morning!" had been replaced with a sad, emotionless "Hey." There was a time when that enthusiasm and loquatiousness so early in the A.M. made me wanna strangle him. Now I missed it beyond words.
Vanessa had called a few times to check up on her son. Alex never answered the phone. He seemed content to just to let the machine take the calls. Everytime the phone rang, I would reach to answer, and he would very sternly hold his hand up. Telling me to "wait and see who it is, first."
He had made appointment after appointment with local doctors to discuss what was to come. Symptoms, side effects, etc. The first being the following Wedsnesday. That was a full 6 days away.
"Great." I thought to myself. "6 days of this before we get any actual answers."
One day, I caught Alex looking online for a HIV-support group. It was the first time since he told me, that I had actually seen him taking some sort of action. It was a relief and a terrible pain at the same time. Probably since this was the first step to acceptance either one of us had taken. The desire to want all the information, as well as the stronger desire to ignore it until it went away.
I wish it were that easy. So did Alex. We both knew it wasn't that easy... nothing ever is, but still.....
The time had come for both of us to return our respective jobs. I had taken 7 days of "personal time" and Alex had simply just called in sick. The bills were rolling in, though, so it was time to return to the fold.
"Back to Real Life," as they say.
They do say that, don't they?
The next few days were filled with awkward silence. Very deliberate, painfully ear-splitting silence. It wasn't so much not WANTING to talk about it...more of not knowing HOW to.
Forming thoughts was near impossible. Alex would look at me and I would mentally break down. Between the actual sexual betrayal and the result... it was just too much to bear.
I had a permanant lie glued to my face in the form of a smile. "I'm fine," had become my mantra. As if saying it, made it so.
For the record... it didn't, and I knew that. So did he.
And Alex. God. His demeanor had changed so much. In less than a week, the love of my life had HIS life turned upside down and destroyed. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
His usual morning chipper "Good morning!" had been replaced with a sad, emotionless "Hey." There was a time when that enthusiasm and loquatiousness so early in the A.M. made me wanna strangle him. Now I missed it beyond words.
Vanessa had called a few times to check up on her son. Alex never answered the phone. He seemed content to just to let the machine take the calls. Everytime the phone rang, I would reach to answer, and he would very sternly hold his hand up. Telling me to "wait and see who it is, first."
He had made appointment after appointment with local doctors to discuss what was to come. Symptoms, side effects, etc. The first being the following Wedsnesday. That was a full 6 days away.
"Great." I thought to myself. "6 days of this before we get any actual answers."
One day, I caught Alex looking online for a HIV-support group. It was the first time since he told me, that I had actually seen him taking some sort of action. It was a relief and a terrible pain at the same time. Probably since this was the first step to acceptance either one of us had taken. The desire to want all the information, as well as the stronger desire to ignore it until it went away.
I wish it were that easy. So did Alex. We both knew it wasn't that easy... nothing ever is, but still.....
The time had come for both of us to return our respective jobs. I had taken 7 days of "personal time" and Alex had simply just called in sick. The bills were rolling in, though, so it was time to return to the fold.
"Back to Real Life," as they say.
They do say that, don't they?
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